Wednesday, March 28, 2007
get reall...
well i dunno why but i guess i like being honest...
because that's the easiest/ smartest/ wisest/ best thing to do...
unless i reli cant in certain stuff or wad...
but i guess i'll usually get to it...
but basically i guess tts wad makes me feel real with myself or something...
so here's honestly about today...
well, i mean honestly as in frankly larhx...
not as if i have to give a detailed report...
==============
im thankful that i can experience work life...
and the joy of serving...
and knowing some very nice adult frens...
and doing stuff that i like...
and learning to enjoy wad i havent tried before... (:
im thankful that He is always with me...
and He knows my thoughts...
and He answers even the littlest prayer of having sales so that i wont be boredd...
well, im thankful for the friendships He showed me and established for me...
esp those with my bros and sis- in -Christ... of nlbpyf!
and im thankful that for the plan He has for me...
just that probably sometimes i take longer to accept it and see the bigger picture...
----------------
well, im sad to break the bonds...
and move on and all that...
here's a piece of my mind...
but i guess it's reli a small piece...
i miss miming...
spreading the gospel in mimes, make it all the more meaningful...
and everytime i think of mime history...
i think it way back since learning / teach/ showing it!
rembr the 1st time was in pasir ris campfire...
then so on and so forth...
even We Are The Reason musical...
it's like imagine how God saw all this through...
and imagine how hard we practise and get things right to the most detailed!!
it's just amazing/ wonderful/incredible and wadeva more!!??
and i know miming is never going to be the same anymore...
I LOVE MIMING!
but then it'll be with different ppl/ song/ audience...
touching more lives...
and learning more stuff...
and giving more glory to Him...
wads more, living for Him! (:
(honestly i waited very long to blog out this thought!)
--------------------
and then come leaving the church...
many ties i reli dunwanna break...
because this YF is the one that helped me find back myself...
in it's own small way that God has used them to bless me!
it's just really so special!
and i used to have inferiority complex sehx...
i guess u all know why siahx...
and i missed my old self... hyper and confident...
hahahx... and well, now i look back...
and i realised He actually answered my prayer --
i prayed that somehow He will bring me back my original character...
and i told Him, i duno how and i seriously cant fantasize how!
but just somehow, please...
and then today i see that He actually heard me!
it's just so awesome u know...
---------------------
well, but i know that above the bonds on Earth...
we'll meet in Heaven! that's an appointment we all have to fulfill!
but well, before that...
comes spiritual needs...
and i guess right now, im in no position to say how and why and what...
but i know since He has led us to leave...
He will show us how, why and wad...
so tt makes it altogether, without regrets!
but for now...
i really wonder have i really got over those sadness in me...
ones that really make me cry and i have no idea why??
and ones that change my day totally...
and till now, I TOTALLY HAVE NO MOOD TO GO GENTING THIS WKEND!
and well, i dunno...
i can be totally cheery serving customers at work...
and the moment my thoughts are idle...
i feel sad, and cry!??
it's totally unbelievable...
and wadsmore, leftBrs dont do this...
haiz, im going crazy already...
so pls dun make it worse...
i dun even know what im thinking...
==================
well more about today...
2 crazy insane disgusting guys came to the store...
and one super talkative one...
LITERALLY TALKED CRAP TO ME...
and both are Malays...
and i dun reli care hu they are...
BUT THEY TOTALLY FREAKED ME!!
~ewwwwwww!!!~~~
i duno larhx, but these type of guys basically are creepy...
and i just duno why guys cant be just normal humans??
and sane like gurls... wahahahx
===============
aiyarhx, i dunwanna crap already la...
i hope my mood changes...
aiyar, but seriously my mood depends ALOT on my thoughts....
and i hope im not in hot soup for piano lesson tmr...
`becca blehx!
becca (: ♥
9:28 PM
Monday, March 26, 2007
sadd... very...
dunno lehs...
i dun even realise the day has passed already...
im sorry, but i've been very much in a daze today...
and also, i guess today marks the beginning of episode 2 of xxxxx...
aiyarhx, i dunno larhx...
i dun even know what i'm doing or thinking or wadeva...
i only know that im really sadd...
and i cant stop crying suddenly...
and yet i can put up a smile for every potential customer when i was at work just now...
i wonder if im even faking...
but maybe it's just a fake smile because i'm doing my best in this role at work...
as i promised Him i would...
i dunno larhx, i dun even know quite why m i crying...
i only know i cant hold back the tears already...
and im sadd...
i didnt even feel like going home...
there's something wrong with me...
but i know He will help me through...
that i may see the greater purpose He has for me...
but oh well... im still human...
and i cant help being one...
---------
anyway, the next dr cookie store's boss...
gave me a treat to 6 of my favourite cookies!!
she is like so nice...
i was so shocked larhx!
it could have made her $4.70!!
and then i told my boss about it...
because i seriously am very paiseh about it...
and then my boss crapped something...
but b4 she crapped tt tve stuff hahax...
she said that hu noes, it's a blessing to give, He may have wanted her to give them to me...
and guess wad, when i was asking about the rate she sells cookies for...
i was thinking reli hard about whether i should spend those bucks...
and well, i guess tts answered already...
but seriously it's shocking... hahhax
-----------
well, stuff that hit me this few days...
just to share lorhx... (:
1: i wanted to be prepared to sing the duet for the children's choir...
and it may not be the perfected one that i hoped for...
but i know it's been perfected in His eyes, and tts enough for me already...
well, and when i sang that, i realised why i wanted to live for Him...
it's because it's the wisest/safest/best choice...
because He will give only the best to those who love Him...
and well, i know it's going to be very hard to fulfill those last 3 lines...
but i will try my best to...
2: was super super sad larhx...
then i couldnt stop crying as i made my way to novena for work...
and as i strolled back home after work...
but then this promise in this special song comforted me (:
Ask and it shall be given unto you!
Seek and ye shall find!
Knock and the door shall be opened unto you!
Hallelujah...
----------------------
i dunno lehx...
i dunno when i'll ever get over all this stuff in my head...
but i reli hope episode 3 doesnt start...
because eps 1 lasted for about 2 mths...
maybe someday i'll get to explain all this down here...
yea someday soon i guess...
`becca-tearx
becca (: ♥
11:44 PM
Friday, March 23, 2007
blehx!!
oh mann, i just got pissed with the PIANO again!!
i think it's like the 3rd time this morning....
i cant concentrate siahx...
i dun even know what im playing...
and when i finally do know,
i forgot what i just played...
and ive to start over...
and then my brain switches off...
U KNOW THE SUPER SIANX DIAOX FEELING??
and some nasty words turn up in my mind...
and it totally came so naturally...
but yea i dun say them larhx...
i wonder how long i can last like that...
aiyo, i think im like HOPELESS...
im like gonna let BaoPeng and Melissa down...
oh mann oh mannx...
why dun a boulder just crush my pianox...
at least tts the end....
and do u know how chaotic my mind is??
i got to play tmr, by hook or by crook...
no miracle's gonna save me, unless He plays for me, LOLX
but well, pls la, dun dream...
so it's like tmr i gtg play...
and im not practising yet...
can u imagine...
i cant even practise in peacceee!!!
waliaox... im pissed larhs...
but then i wont go overboard la lolx...
the funny thing is when i get pissed by the piano...
i stop playing and say i gonna quit...
but then the stress makes me sit dwn there again... whahax!!
wad a irony i am mannx...
but i still think the worst is to sit there and cant play a note...
just stone and blank mind and worse come worse tears la...
but it's like possible larhx...
haiz, im gonna drive myself crazy already mannx...
i cant wait till 1pm of sat tmr!! whahax...
then i can at least take my mind off things to watch phantom...
before i panick about 7th apr...
-----------------------
im hopeless siahx...
ive never seen my life like that before...
esp not infront of the pianox!!
`blehx, i gonna die tmr...
becca (: ♥
1:27 PM
Thursday, March 22, 2007
haiz
" one day i'll just shut down and freak out, and i wonder when that day'll be..."
random statement in my head...
========
.piano lesson.
had piano lesson just now...
didnt wake up late,
but went late...
not because i didnt know...
but just that i couldnt stop my fingers from playing whatever songs came to mind...
this morning was a lazy one...
i didnt even want to wake up...
because i know i had to face a lot of reality...
and then once at the piano,
i thought i could squeeze at least 10 mins of exam pieces...
great, i couldnt even play half a piece in the right mind...
so my subconscious mind slipped in...
and i played a medley of at least 10 songs...
and i couldnt stop...
------------
part two...
at the lesson itself...
for at least 3/4 of it,
i was in a daze...
i dun even know what im playing...
it's like super bad larhx...
and then when my teacher wanted to hear the ballet pieces...
i finally got down to Earth...
and it's still a heavy load i got...
------------
part three...
then as usu, i went to pray at the balcony i owaes go to...
cuz the skyview at that blk is always one of the most beautiful!
and it's always peaceful...
and then i just started crying...
and i told Him...
-> im spiritually unfed...
-> physically drainned and tired... and aching!!
-> mentally unwell, and worse, in a daze!
-> emotionally sadd...
wad more is there i ask u!!?
i did at least 2 things He wouldnt be pleased with this week...
rather this few days...
i like so undeserving of His help can...??
-------------
part four...
then on the way home from lesson...
this tune came to my mind...
this song that i always dunno how to sing...
i cant rmbr the tune lorhx..
but i know the title...
and the lyrics are nice k...
then i scared i forget the tune...
so been keeping it in my head till all the way home...
and finally i had peace... i dunno, just felt less sadd...
i know it wont last...
but then at that time, i still cant rembr the lyrics...
so i went to refer... whahax, the camp bklet of the last yf camp ar
HE CARES FOR ME!!
that's the title...
and i like this line...
"Yet He feeds the poor sparrows, and He knows when they fall."
i dunno larhx, just feel like crying...
ok fine, i actually cried... ... blehx
but yeahx, i am sadd larhx...
===============
and seriously i wonder if i ever get to do night cycling at East Coast??
i know i missed it the other time with 2i...
but i really need it now...
i need to go speed-ride till i drop...
i am tired, but i really need a space...
working at least 4 days next week lehs??
then im off to Genting...
and then i can chill and pretend im not on Earth...
-PEACE-
i am tired of life on this Earth mannx...
and i know that He is very tired of hearing us all say this...
lolx, and wad makes us think that we wont be tired of Heaven too??
so i know we should complete this life on Earth properly and not quit halfway...
and then again, im contradicting my thoughts...
`becca-saddx >.<
becca (: ♥
10:29 AM
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
blehx blehx blehx...
blehx, today didnt start very well...
eh everything is normal and fine...
but just the old silly stuff...
u know how freaking near saturday is!?!?
well, it's just an experience for me,
and i got many tings before and after that day to cheer me up whatever happens...
and i know that it is no big deal if i crash it...
but this is all for me alone...
do u know how pissed the teacher may get???
do u know how the parents are given the right to complain??
do u know what kind of responsibility and attitude i'll be like showing??
this all matter alot lehx.... and that's why it's not only about me!!
-----------------------
problem no.2...
i did something not so correct at work...
i went for lunch slightly earlier than usu, when the crowd subsided...
because im like hungry la...
and i was like reli nearby...
but how on Earth would i know that people will come only when i have to go for lunch??
whahax, the cupcake boss was like 'uh-oh'...
and im like 'oh-mann!!'
u know, it's like boss called me just about that!!
because the customer sms boss, hahax her fren marhx...
and it's not just 1 person...
it's A CROWD...
but at the wrong time larhx...
then i became like worried and moody...
but then the funny thing is that boss told me that she spoke up for me...
LOLX, i guess this the thing when it comes to being the favourite...
u know how relieved i m!! *(:
------------------------
other cloudy stuff are on and off...
still a burden to me...
but i guess i'll try to brainfreeze those thoughts if i can...
but bad thing is, i cant at the moment...
and funny thing is, im sad but boss says im happy!!
LOLX, and because im complimented for my cheery/bubbly service...
and i was hesitant to believe...
but on second thought, oh mannx, am i SO SUPER GD AT FAKING!?!?!?
--------------------------
.work.
been blur today larhx...
i oso dunno why...
i refilled the Malaga into the big tub...
and i forgot there's no space...
so Cocco got kicked out of the shelf whahahx...
well, im talking Italian-named flavours larhx...
and i love their Italian names...
or izzit because of my gd memory that ive memorised the Italian ones too??
wahahx, met Vivian at the stall today!!
and she was talking to Monti...
and i crapped and wasted her phone bill!! :P
and then Vivian and her cuzzie, bought Gelato!!! (:
and we chatted for quite awhile while waiting for her cuzzie to knock off...
well so had time to introduce ALL THE ITALIAN NAMES!!
(p.s.: im reli fascinated by Italian nehs, i think im siao liaox, because of Fantome and Gelato siahx!!)
------------------------
.dinner.
just had cupnoodles and some herbal soup...
i havnt been eating properly...
i said that some entries ago...
i wonder how long can i hang on...
whahax, boss says late dinner can make u fat...
and i reli feel like saying, esp when u feed me icecream everyday!!
------------------------
siianx arhx...
i wonder when will i adjust to normal brain cells and brain activity...
i soo LONGING FOR THAT DAY TO COME!!
i need a time out and very soon...
i duno how long can i hold out...
it's not just physical schedules...
but mental stress on many many things...
and i dunno when will i just shut down and freak out...
i need PEACE!!!!!
`blehx byax boohx barhxxx
becca (: ♥
11:00 PM
Monday, March 19, 2007
an angel!
hmmz, today is another full time working day...
and i guess it's nice to be biased to!
wahahahax, im like evil...
well but it's oso bad larhx,
because that way, boss gives me icecream everyday woops...
and i guess u know what that means...
hey i wanted to do 2.4 de lorhx...
but already twice liaox, not rain la then is pangsehd...
whahahx, so i guess im just gonna kip increasing LOLX
anyway, i came to blog about this angel God sent!
wahahax, u know eh boss (i mean ladyboss) is kinda stingy too...
and abit so-called naggy...
ok la, i dun find her naggy but when she scolds, it's not harsh but like that lorhx...
well, she's nice larhx...
hahahx, and i guess i can get along with her hahax...
but well, learning stuff about Gelato has a limit...
but not if you see it in another way...
she is soo POSITIVE! okay, eh about life and stuff...
but definitely not when havent get her trust yet lorhx...
but well, we chatted quite abit..
and some things is like stuff that should have clicked in a long time ago...
it just a reminder that mattered (:
yeahx, let me try to rmbr wad were they about lolx...
eh i dun reli rmbr but it's reli encouraging stuff...
to put away the past,
and to be confident about the future...
most imptly, to use the talent God has given that once it's the best, and yea u know it that you've tried...
u know what im referring to??
-> the sec1 past and all... i still got medical history lehhx... i feel like it's a permanent scar in my life... though im through with the mental one...
-> confident about wad i want... and because Christians have Him to complete us! so it's like dun worry lerhx... yeahx i guess miracles do happen (:
-> piano this saturday... using whatever i have and not hiding it just because of low confidence... and how to accept that i've tried, and it's ok whether things turn crappy... !!
whahax...
----------
but if u want to see a shallower point of view...
i dunno why but from feedback, so-called, that she has...
boss says that im her favorite girl...
LOLX...
well, i dunno but it's reli extreme...
at least that's wad i think... whahahax
shall save readers from the tasty curry-flavoured words ahahhax!
anyway, im gonna end contract soon larhx...
lolx, so too bad, why she dun want pay raise!??!
i need money, not kg from icecream! and not nice cute words...
---------------
super de duper tired larhx...
so boss decided to let me have half day off tmr, lolx...
so Nurul take over...
otherwise im gonna have to do fulltime for 3 days in a row lehhs!!
but it's every moment i think of my $147 Fantome this Sunday...
i also tink about sat ballet pianist job...
and i will start getting jumpy and freakish...
and absolutely every morning I GET PISSED BY MY RETARED FINGERS...
but dumb blogger is always doing maintenance in the morning...
so i cant blare it for all i care!! ...
well, im reli reli sleepy...
gonna go enjoy my aircon room lerhx!! (:
thnkyou angel!!
`buaix
becca (: ♥
11:38 PM
Sunday, March 18, 2007
blehx... burning up once again...
blehx... burning up once again...i got reli pissed for about the 3rd time in this week...
i mean for piano lar...
i think i got pissed off everyday la...
waliaox... this is reli reli badd...
i tell u ar, i reli am losing patience with myself...
have lots to do, and time isnt on my side...
even my exam pieces piss me off...
ok not the pieces, it's my retarded hands...
blehx, this is no good...
and today my brain ran reli fast...
lotsa of topic change of thoughts...
and its creating another set of disaster for me!
i reli wonder wad m i going to do??
everything is approaching so soon...
and i feel that even today's kidschurch was reli impromptu and not up to it...
i duno larhx, i wasnt in the right mind today...
oh mannx, when was i ever, since the day i decided $14/hr was good money...
sorry la, im desperate right...
and then today the enrolment package came,
im like so excited...
but then, by the time i got home i was so tired...
and i even read it to sleep...
so anti-climax right?
what if one day, the things that interest me just die down...
and i suddenly dunno wad i want, and hu i m...??
haiz, i guess i must be thinking too much lolx
i need a rest, but to me now, rest is only a waste of time...
at least try telling that to a person who practised piano until midnight yesterday...
but i cant do it again...
seriously if i can stay up to practise without complains from neighbours/sleepiness/tiredness...
i think it's good enough already...
talk about sleep later mannx...
im hard for time!
aiyarhx, this is going to be a complaining entry once again...
i should just end here...
i guess it's just no point to blog,
just wasting space and time...
and i guess there may be others to come...
i should just try to sleep i guess...
will blog some blessings today, on another entry i guess...
after all my mind is bursting right now...
`disappearing into haunted thoughts...
becca (: ♥
11:14 PM
Saturday, March 17, 2007
haiz...
hahax, just reached home not long ago...
and u know due to saving $$, but mostly crazy schedules...
i havent been eating properly...
i end up skipping breakies to practise piano...
and having late lunches due to attending to lunch crowds at work...
or late dinner at home so that i dun have to pay for it larhx...
i know im in for trouble... but let's discuss that later siahx...
==========
.show.
my dad and sis were watching 'What a Girl wants' on tv...
it's soo 'Princess Diaries' larx...
plus abit of 'A Cinderella Story'...
was so stucked with the show...
but i reli didnt want to watch first because it's gonna spoil it all...
cuz my dad taped it down for me, im gonna watch the whole ting some other day...
and i guess it's not going to be anytime soon...
i wonder if i'll even rmbr larhx...
well, wad a girl wants eh, LOLX
it sounds like typical...
but once it's reli portrayed out in a show...
it sounds all so real whahax...
but seriously, i guess its not just for girls lah...
it's for every human on Earth...
will crapp more about the show when i reli watch the whole ting altogether...
===========
.Work.
actually i reli came to blog about this...
it's about a chain of old memories how i used to reli want to be a part of the majority...
(then again, from 'The Enemy of the People', the majority is not always right/gd etc..)
how i thought it's more normal to be like the rest,
and how great would it be if im like the others...
well this spark of memories came about when Faith says that everyone thinks im the only one who likes my job... LOL...
well, i was really stunned siahx...
though i know i hear Nurul/Faith/Suhaili complain...
but i'd never know that it was for real...
but well i was just reli reli stunned that she said im weird and crazy or wadeva because of that...
but well, i spoke my mind...
because today im different,
i dun die just to be part of the majority...
and so this i told Faith...
though I may seem to like this job like a crazy person and all...
but it is not promoting it and all that shows it to be...
i have my principles, and that is though i work because i reli want that $$...
but since im in it, and whether i reli dun like it or not,
im gonna do it properly and as though i like it...
if not wad use izzit? wad meaning izzit?
why m i not enjoying wad i do??
wouldnt it be a waste of time...
THEN WHY DO IT?!?!
anyway, as i always am,
i wanna know what im in for...
and for this job i already know what im in for...
so i dun reli grumble about the boredom when there's bad sales...
or grumble because boss is stingy...
so doesnt mean i dont say a word, means im fine with it all...
well, that's pretty shallow if u tink that way dont u tink!?!?
well, for this matter, im like...
since u cant stand this and that...
why work to grumble and not enjoy it lar?
wad a waste of time...
i need TIME!! and i dont have enough of it...
but through this, i treasure what i spend it on!
anyway, wadeva larhx...
frankly, just feeling disgusted that they thought that way...
so shallow and negative and wadeva nots...
wads so bad to like a job anyway? and wads so wrong with it?
though ive had plans and am not going to work there for life??
but well, i enjoy working and serving, that's my dream anyway...
well for a moment im thinking why im so agitated with what they say...
eh and then now i know...
it's the kind of hypocritical effect that i see...
abit of the 'Anything oso can larh' attitude...
THE ONE THAT I HATE ALOT!
and it reli pisses me off to see people do stuff that way...
i may have times like that too, and i'll reli feel dull if i am... like seriously...
haiz, i dunwanna cont...
it pisses me further...
then again, maybe He is preparing me for the tricks of the business world...
can u imagine, my age group already like that!??!
and well, i seriously feel that they dont have the heart for business...
and i do have my reasons when i say that...
because they only want themselves to gain... haiz
==============
.TIME.
now, time reli pisses me off too...
i got pissed with myself once again today morning...
at the piano larhx, DUHH
haiz i reli dunno how im gonna do 24th...
it's like 25th is already tearing me apart already...
and the stupidest thought came into my mind...
to try use 24th to tear me further...
im so gonna die!
im like working full day mon,tues, wed... next wk...
and probably be home by 11pm??
and then it's like wad m i gonna do??
i take leaves for the rest of the week already...
but it's just too close to 24th...
im too busy... and i still need time!
and it's like i already know God gave me a time blessing...
but i need more TIME!?!?!
40 pieces lehs...
im not even done with 20!?!?!?
i reli have a brain full of disobedient instructions right now...
what m i going to do??
im gonna burst oncemore and i hope that be the last...
how am i going to do at least another 20 in 3 free days...
or am i suppose to sightread into the night??
or even dream about it??
i just hope i can still hold on...
`becca frowns
becca (: ♥
9:03 PM
blehx disconnection-in-progress...
DISCONNECTION-IN-PROGRESS!
actually seriously, that's all that's been running through my head today...
i guess i'll explain some other day...
or maybe rightBrs guess faster...
but wadeva... blehx
============
i seriously only planned to do a one-line entry...
but aihx wadeva la...
let's talk a little about today, other than that stupid line...
-> i think boss is bias whahahax!
-> had crap dinner of cup noodles at 10.30pm... after work... i should reli start eating properly...
-> my stress level's still there... and sometimes i get irritated that im happy when im not suppose to be... because i feel that it's escapism... and that i havent depended on Him enough... but seriously larhx, must be practical right? How can God perform miracles for such an unworthy child every single moment?? i dunno larhx...
(seriously, when i see a piano, i will start to freak out... haiz, this is super no good...)
-> Fantome's coming soon!! opening night is 28th i tink, wahahax but im not rich enough to go for that whahaax!
well many things are in my head la...
today at work when bored wanted to list it out, that my mind may clear up...
but the leftBr method isnt working...
there's just too much...
and there's not enough ram le...
i know im like an idiot playing guitar at Sakura today...
plus carrying it everywhere i go... LOLX...
fine laugh whatever u want hahax...
but i dun reli care le, im like bored to death...
and was hoping that we'd have a reli finale closure or something...
but i guess dats a goner...
cuz i thought we may be able to do some singspiration/reminiscence/full attendance...
blehx, but i should have known...
well didnt reach target at work for today... by like $3...
lolx!! so irritating lehs!!
and i guess Faith is gonna whine whahahax!
but well, oso not my fault larhx...
i seriously wont mind topping up the few dollars by getting some for myself...
but i didnt know it was so close yet so far to commission!! ahhhx
i guess quite a few appeals didnt work out...
in fact i havent heard of one that did...
seriously appeals are crap consolations...
they dont really help...
the fact is, the moe is crazy... and bias...
but not to worry, every path leads to somewhere new...
and u'll never know what you'll get from it (:
haiz, still got zw's appeal to go...
i hope she gets her dream... alittle late though...
==============
well, i planned to sleep at 12am...
after all i gtg work tmr morning shift lehx...
it's like 11-7.30pm lorhx...
i hope we reach target!
and i dunno why im not slping yet...
and i dunno why my entry becum so long!
and i dunno wad craps in my brain right now... just messy...
and i KNOW how far i still am from doing everything i need to do... haiz...
so just to summarise the main thoughts for today...
'disconnection-in-progress'
kkz, i wanna go liaox...
`buaibuaix!
becca (: ♥
12:01 AM
Thursday, March 15, 2007
hmmz...
if i blogged a few days earlier...
this entry wouldnt sound sane enough...
but the blogger just had to be down...
so i guess i wasnt suppose to crapp in here for that matter...
LOLX
well, the pressure that was arising killed me larhx...
but the day that i said i probably need a miracle to get through...
i didnt reli think it'll happen...
but the thing is that very day, Bao Peng told me there's no lesson!
wahhax, i know im repeating myself...
but i reli have to remind myself, that i neednt do it this sat...
or u know im really gonna die... blehx
but well i finally broke down yesterday...
when mummy started nagging me to the piano...
and im like screaming at her for all i care...
and i couldnt stop crying... was totally going crazy...
and i reali reali needed to blog...
but hu noes wad crapp may come...
so oso good that i didnt blogg...
well, had some pieces perfected today...
like the curtsies only!?!? LOLX...
sry la, i know it's one big joke...
but well, it's coming slowly i guess...
just that i reli need patience...
and yeahx tmr gonna go toapayoh...
the campus superstar will be there too right?
free music i guess... hopefully dey're nice ones..
as in sung by the competitors not the auditions u know...
hahahax!
okok tts not the main point la...
gg lunch ard there hope it'd be a wonderful closure...
and great i gtg work tmr evening shift at novena...
i pity boss n ruth la...
so i just agreed lorhx though i took lift liaox... lolx...
well i seriously think i should stop eating so much icecream!!
wahhaax, plus the chocolate bar that im eating now...
but choco stuff are just soo irresistable!! how??
whahax, i dunno lehs, was thinking about it this morning, should start doing 2.4 again...
whahahax, i think in my dreams la...
-> no time...
-> no stamina...
-> nobody to pace me wahhaax..
and erh i seriously think this com gonna crash soon...
or perhaps not b4 my temp fone crashes...
its super lagg! i cant even press the keypad lock successfully the 1st time...
well i dunno lehs, i hope i get it out on piano properly and soon...
then i can stop being under so much pressure and side effects larhx!
oh and somebody seriously freaked me just now...
i just hope the aftermath will subside soon enough...
but im officially freaked i guess...
LOLX no offence
-------------------
gg end le, byebyez (:
becca (: ♥
10:14 PM
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
blehx, HAIX
i had another brainFreeze like about an hour ago...
i mean mentally larhx... and it's reli crappy...
i couldnt feel/understand/think about the things that affect me...
which u know from the previous entry... yeah
it felt as though im so carefree and worryless...
which is like sooo SHORTTERRMM!!
and i hated that feeling... haiz
but i guess it's God's grace because He knows it's no point worrying i guess...
----
well, part two...
when night falls...
and everything moves at a slower pace, and i have time/space to think again...
because im like alone or wadeva...
it's like coming back and pounding hard in my brain...
and i noe that seriously, if this conts, im so gonna breakdown...
its like a functional person will be like practising piano like CRAZY...
until probably midnite, and straight after work...
but no, im bursting already, i cant even manage an hour without thoughts rummagin through my brain...
I CANT CONCENTRATE LARHX!
and so that pisses me off...
when i wanna do something, and i cant find myself fully in it...
--------
next story... content...
(sry i need to follow leftBr style, because it's the only existing one next to the noBrainer...)
haiz, i have 3 big issues with smaller issues embedded nicely in each one of them..
1: My Crazy Schedule!! (Work like EVERYDAY??/ Piano CRAZE : sunbeam + ballet + exam)
2: Fading spirit.. (God-- i hope i have time for Him/ Fantome enthu-ness has been set aside because of lousy mood / short-temperedness when it comes to Piano/ Sunbeam...)
3: another tinggi... that's probably never been off my mind totally... and i totally hate myself for it...
--------
i need a mental painkiller to cure my brain...
i need reality and joy to jump-start my hyperness...
i need carbos to strengthen my muscles that aches from every Crazy programme!
i need to stop being the woodiest block ever in my entire life... i reli hope it's not self-deception that im alright, because i know im not...
blehx, i need His Word that impacts a wood blk enough to get through with this hardest Concerto of my life!!!
i need a whole lot more of miracles...
but miracles dont happen everyday as you wish/want, even though it is possible...
i need PEACE!
i wanna go slp already... after all im not in a clear state of mind, wads the point of trying to blogg it out??
probably just to try i guess...
anyway thnku zw, u made me feel alive, hahahahax!!
`becca blehx byez bahhx
becca (: ♥
11:07 PM
Monday, March 12, 2007
pressure arising...
haiz, im suppose to be on the piano u know...
and mummy just left home with racheal...
guess wad, im gonna break down if i dun steal time out now to blog...
now i know someting, i have a limit too... haiz
well, i gtg work soon, like reli reli soon...
but i reli reli need to blog...
and i duncare where i blogg it and hu reads it...
because otherwise i really am going to burn up...
==========
was working 1-9.45pm yesterday...
super tired by the time my fam fetch me home...
AND GUESS WAD...
today im working 11-9.30pm...
which is like 2 hours more than yesterday...
I THINK IM RELI GOING TO GO CRAZY!!
--------------
i have 3 super big commitments to Piano...
i love my Piano being my bestie, and that i can share my thoughts with...
without asking for a reply... but at least i get to let it out somehow...
but TODAY, the Piano becomes a problem...
i need full concentration when i practise for this 3 big thingg...
and u know, plus tiredness and stress, i cannt gather full concn...
HAIZ, so it's like im reli very pxxxxxx...
i promised Charlene i wont be, but well i think i am now, oopsy...
1: Sunbeam Choir, my pieces and timing is like so out of place...
2: Exam Pieces, i have much work to do on every piece lehhs, plus i havent been touching scales for as long as i can rmbr...
3: Ballet Pieces, im freaking out... it even slipped into my dreams on Sat night...
so wad do u think im feeling like right now??
rightBrs u can do ur thing... hahax
------------------
guess wad, yesterday (sunday)
there was this story in the News Bulletin at church...
racheal asked me to read during service la...
i read already and started sobbing LOL
it's like totally for me... haiz...
entitled 'Piano Lesson'...
and yea God said that His hands are playing the Concerto in my Life!!
and for me just to keep playing...
and i feel so bad that my notes are not even worthy enough to be accompliment...
and its like He said He'll perfect whatever i have...
it's makes me feel encouraged but at the same time guilty that He has to waste so much effort on me...
aiyarhx, i know it's a silly thought, but it's a lingering one...
and a MIRACLE happened yesterday afternoon...
Bao Peng said that there's no ballet lessons this sat, so i've grace time!!
it's like such a surprise... cuz i thought im gonna die liaox...
yeah, He knew that i needed a miracle...
it was a byword that i spoke of all sat when i sort of realised that i actually took up that job...
and was in for a CRAZY schedule...
like i mean UTTERLY ABSOLUTELY CRAZY...
ask u hu sightreads and plays even far-from-perfect ballet pieces at the rate of 40 per week!??!
so time extension like gave me 20 per week...
it's still crazy but i thank God that He has lighten the load somehow...
==============
haiz, i just hope i dun breakdown...
i know i was crazy...
but seriously, and reli mean seriously...
i need a miracle to get through this last few weeks before school reopens...
HAIZ, show me Your hand... >.<
i gtg Novena for work in 15mins...
so byebye, my piano practice schedule for this morning is already BURNT/BOILEDOVER/BLASTED...
`beccafrowns SIGHX... i dun expect a good week, like seriously...
becca (: ♥
8:45 AM
Friday, March 09, 2007
haiz...
i dunno lehhx...
i just now very high and retarded de...
but now my mood like just plunged down totally...
FOR NOTHING lehs!!
i only can summarise in 'haiz'...
--------------
went to Cityhall area to give Pam a bdae treat!!
and we were like retards...
and i mean total retards...
-> boss transported me from Watten shop to Novena! and then i had to change locations for the treat, and i decided on a last min MARCHE (i reli wanna eat there la!!) BUT THEN IT HAD TO CLOSE DOWN, RIGHT WHEN I GOT THE CHANCE TO GO!!!
-> went to eat at the foodcourt instead... and we would have easily start taking fotos of our Korean beef plate, but then we were like PLEASE LARHX, hahahaha!!
-> went to New York New York for dessert!! (:
eh, it's scrumptious can... was taking fotos like crazy person... with the food, with the background wallpaper and wadeva larhx!!
-> they gave us free lemon candy floss, and i was like seriously complaining why it cant be more sour!! LOLX, and i almost forgot it's CANDY FLOSS... and we approached the concierge desk for photo service... so that we would have a foto with our candy floss-es, IN THE MIDDLE OF CITYLINK!!! how's that... but i dun care anymore...
hahahax... BEST BUDS :p
-------------------
well some fotos... hahahx!
BECCA . FAITH (:
(1st workers at Frutta La Viva Novena!)
YOU KNOW WHAT IS THIS!?!?!
Vaio lehhs, my fav lappietoppies!! but dad dunwant buy for me larhx!!
and this is in the showcase in Citylink...
making me even more fedup!!
MIIE!! at New York New York... like finally...
-Iced Ultra-rich Chocolate Velvet-
haiz, but me and marche is like not fated wan larhx...
i asked permission to go in and walk walk for like at least 4 times le... but nv get to eat there...
got time no money, got money no time... when finally got time and money, it disappeared!
BECCA . PAM!! (:
whheehhee!! hahax, got the waiter to help us take foto...
tts precisely why we're like absolute retards!?
hello Singapore, we're just tourists :P
===========
well, i lazy to upload le...
no mood larhx...
like seriously...
im getting grumpy...
because knots are forming...
and i hate it...
blehx, i hope i can sleep properly and go to MSM tmr...
and see if i can fix in a schedule to take up that job!
IT'S GOOD MONEY...
and u wont wanna ask...
anyway, i hope it's like it's been said...
wahhax, but wadeva money-faced freak...
hahahx, well, shall see larhx, it's a commitment mannx...
anyway, tmr gg Marina lehs...
i hope it turns out to be worthwhile...
because i've forgo-ed like 3 precious stuff...
-> a talk that concerns my liking
-> a free concert ticket
-> MONEY if i worked at Novena which i was on standby for... :P
well, i guess we'll see...
and NO MATTER HOW INSANE PAM THINKS I AM...
i'm gonna bring my precious there hehex!!
well, haiz, i've to bring it to MSM first i think...
SIIANX!! shall see larhx...
dun wanna blog anymore...
because it's not easing my mind...
kkx, BYE...
becca (: ♥
11:49 PM
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
hmmz (: JAE
well, i dunno i guess my mood's lifted for no sane reason...
LOLX... ok larhx, maybe JAE did that hahahax!
hmmz, yea thank God, hahahx!
hey seriously i dunno how to worry, and i think worry oso no use...
but i have a faint memory that i dreamt that i went to my last choice...
which is 5th choice -- IJC...
hahahax, because i reali dun wanna do A's...
and so, it's a nightmare to me, ahhaax...
but dun worry, i didnt have a sweaty horrible night...
just too stunned in my dreams hahahax...
but well, im glad, some dreams dun come true... (:
so i finally accepted for TP tourism and hospitality!!
here comes my diploma stepping stone!! yippee!!
ahhax, was abit hesitant to check larhx..
i was like chased out of bed to go joggin with mummy early in the morning...
but having slpt only like 6hrs...
grumpy me didnt want to budge...
so mummy left without me, it's like LITERAL PANGSEH larhx!!!
then well, i slowly play crapp on the piano to pass time...
and when it reached 8am... i didnt even feel like loggin in hahahx...
then i did QT... on the verses that i've gotten on my red packets these CNY!! (:
well, then i slowly logged on, and to my surprise the server not jammed at all...
though a lot of ppl online at a time where they should be sleeping hahahx
well, then check lorhx, hahax, i oso couldnt believe it... hehex!
then i print it out, because leftBrs need hard facts!
lalalax, and then show mummy hahax, and then jump ard like a crazy lunatic...
LOLX, and sms ppl larhx...
and then nobody reply... *diaox*
hahahax, but well, they did la, many many hours later...
anyway, have been really lazy all day today larhx...
went out to the bank and had Sakae lunch...
and IT'S MUMMY'S BDAE LEHHS!!
the other day we celebrated with a tiramisu cake...
ooh, yea and i owe my parents a bdae pressie each!! haiz...
hahahx, well today went well larhx (:
yeahx and i know that for alot of ppl...
things are bad turning points today...
well, i just know that God has the best set in for us...
and His will is just there... but we still get to choose not to listen la...
and it's just whether we accept His will anot...
and i WAS very very afraid about how i'll accept His will for a dozen-over things...
and still am but to a smaller extent...
because i know that my Father in Heaven has only the Best at heart for me!
and no matter how much tears are to be shed, i'll try my best to please Him too (:
----------------
hmmz, yea today there was tremors!!
i was walking under the chandelier in our living room...
and then i heard this very weird noise...
didnt know where it was coming from marhx...
then i hear some construction work, so i was like wadeva...
but then it grew louder!
and i was like left/right... where izzit larh?!!
then i looked up, LOLX it's the crystals clashing one another...
and then i was like shocked larh... then i thought maybe upstair neighbour very violent LOLX!!
well, then mummy came and was like "why's the house movin??"
im like, no it's not... lolx, i must be like slow hahahax!
then i said i dunno why the crystals are moving like that...
so noisy like pebbles knocking one another...
something coming hahahax!!
then i felt the house move too, lolx it's like making me dizzy larhx!
then suddenly the crystals no noise le... *diaox*
we were like chey, earthquake somewhere else larh...
but then i felt a 2nd tremor like hours later... hahax
was kinda worried too, when the radio said that ppl evacuated...
lolx, and silly me can stand under the chandelier and wondring...
because yea the crystals are like reli heavy...
one coming down on u can send u to hospital right away...
well, funny thing is like though Aunty Angela kept calling and complainin about the tremors...
we didnt even think about it being that serious to call for evacuation at Raffles Place all that...
lolx!! i think if reli got quake arh... not that Spore wont sink...
but as in like, the people will be slow in reacting lolx!!
----------------------
well, yea i wanna go slp le!
let's postpone the deeper thoughts for another day!
just glad that i received my stepping stone today (:
`ciaoz
becca (: ♥
11:16 PM
Monday, March 05, 2007
haiz.. 25th March!
25MARCH is all that rings in my head now!
3 big thinggiS! and many turning points i guess...
yeahx, these are the only sentences i can spell out for my entry tonight...
too bad soo sad, my brain is too clogged up...
plus tonight, i'm really not feeling well larhx...
so i really wanna sleep right now... yeahx
-------------------
the other thing is i tried making arrangemts to change shifts for this sat...
i dunno if it'll work out, but let's hope Novena cant open yet LOL
-------------------
okok byebyezz (:
becca (: ♥
11:25 PM
Sunday, March 04, 2007
de-freak therapy...
blehx, i just return home from catching a 7pm HK film with my fam at J8...
PROTEGE...
it's about drugs lar...
the whole process/traffickers/undercovers/addicts...
and its like nc 16 larhx...
and its like my first... and i reli wanna make it the LAST mannx...
because it totally freaked me out larhx...
then the sound effect so loud somemore...
haiz, consequence is having at least one hour plus of fast heartrate...
and about 2hrs plus of very sensitive mind to the slightest sound or words that ring a bell...
seriously larhx, i think i need to see psychiatrist...!!
and my mum and sis are not helping either!!
oh yeah and i literally couldnt stop shivering for like almost an hour la! oh mannx!!!
-> my sister was suppose to be in a daze because she just had a rude wakeup from getting down the car, on the way home from the show... and then while at the corridor of our house, there's a cockroach on the floor DEAD la... and i already know larhx... but then, when she spoke, i freaked out, LOLx... and i couldnt stop laughing for the next 15mins??
ok i know im dumb... and that's why i shouldnt watch anything related to the slightest bit of HORROR!!
and basically because i've a good photographic memory...
i can rembr exactly how it looks like!! blehx...
so yeahx, and sorry lah im a wimp for stuff like that... LOLX
seriously, im waiting up for the crazy tinggis to wear out...
so that i can go bathe and sleep properly!!
it's like everything becomes freaky...
and im in like a trance LOLX,
wadeva mannx, but just dun dragg me in for HORROR can...
because it's gonna have a harsh effect on me... lolx
-----------------------
i dunno how im ever going to wake up to go work tmr lehhx...
i'd better not be late, later cut pay larhx!!
and im like using music as de-freak therapy... LOLX
because humans are not helping...
because i guess im one of the only person hu is freaked out so easily!!
-----------------------
oh well, my dad bought a Tiramisu cake, kind of expensive lehhx BUT NICE! for my mum...
it's her bdae this tues, where JAE comes out??
anyway, yea m anxious about JAE lehhx...
because i think im hopeless for JPSAE lolx!!
haiz, wanted to go career fair de lehhx...
lolx, but then it didnt sound like the same one i was referring to...
so in the end i decided not to go lolx...
after all it was a rather last-min decision...
well, i wanna know where to do my hotel managemt BA lehhs... ahhax!!!
wadeva, still long long way to go ahahhahax!!
-----------------
haiz recently my brain is in chaos again...
i wonder when will i ever be like free of it LOLX
I WANT PEACE LARHX!
haiz... but leftBrs can sort things out larhx...
not to worry, lolx!!
oh ya, and just to remind myself...
i never cont with the crazy schedule mummy has planned for piano!
OOPX!! lolx, haiz, plus tmr got work lehhx...
and i dunno how to got abt changing shifts lehhx...
because maybe this sat i gtg work lehhx...
which in fact actually i have to...
but changing stuff is like SUPER COMPLICATED AND TEDIOUS u know!?!?!
-------------------
aiyarhx, i know today i blog until very messy...
and simply wadeva comes to mind, lolx...
well, i gtg le... i really have to sleep SOMEHOW larhx... ):
`ciaos
becca (: ♥
11:27 PM
Friday, March 02, 2007
blehxx... COM CRASHIN ALERT
COM CRASHIN ALERT...
this sounds like nasty u know...
although it's not my first comp crash to face up with emergency backup docs...
because the previous one LITERALLY CRASHED IN MY FACE...
and 50% of the stuff didnt got transferred, because of the technological differences, i had to used EMAIL!!??
well, now got thumbdrive marhx... USB port...
then it's like eh, i spent about 4hours plus yesterday night, transferring like about 75% of all my doc...
into A 2GB THUMBDRIVE...
HOW IS THAT SUPPOSE TO BE ENOUGH?!?!?!
lucky i still got cds for my music...
BUT THE PHOTOGRAPHS ARE LIKE POSING A MAJOR PROB...
because one avg folder can mean like 200plus MB!??!
oh mannx, i feel soo SICK OF CRASH EMERGENCY ALERTS...
well the alert came from my dad, and i literally jumped larhx...
haiz, 1: my fone, 2: my comp...
wad is this mannx, it feels like everything is going going gone... LOLX
not everything larhx, but in one sentence, these stuff contain alot of precious stuff hahahx!
well, ghahahx, sounds lame and funny,
but i spent almost half of that 4hrs plus to email all my internet favourites into my other account...
DOTS!
haiz, and i had to forgo some of the other songs that i dun usually hear...
lolx, well, plus some of the photographs i grow tired of, LOLX...
but i think i can use shutterfly to transfer my fotos into new comp hahahx!
i hope this works... because for now, i've to keep updating my thumbdrive since i've loaded it there...
haiz, im starting to alienate the comp now...
because i really dunno when it'll crash...
probably silently barhx...
it's like i dun even feel that it's going to crash...
but my dad complains that he's company webby is highly selective of comp situations...
so when it doesnt appear properly, means that the comp is SICK...
i dunno, but i think it'll take the next mth to die out ahhax...
sounds long to me, i wanna hurry transfer documents larhx!!
and i want my own new fone soon...
blehx, then i can transfer more contacts...
and then i can personalise it LOLX...
and im so not used to not using flipfones!! arghx
-----------------
so much about com crashing...
gtg have lunch soon... dun even feel hungry...
and eating has become A CHORE...
i dunno why lehs, maybe because of CNY feasts barhx...
and yeahx, im still far from reaching the target no. of YuShengs lehhx...
well, feeling really sianx diaox by alot of stuff...
hahax, but i think compared to previously...
it's like alot better lerhx...
-peace-
yepx and mummy is forcing me onto piano practice...
i mean like CRAZY PRACTICE u know...
it's like she's planned a schedule of at least 3hours a day!??
it's gonna drive me nuts...
hahax, but i played Phantom for her just now, LOLX...
instead of exam pieces ehx...
i need somewhere to go waste some energy...
but nobody gonna pei wo, because racheal go camp le...
AND I LEFT WITH THE TASK TO TAKE CARE OF SESAME!! (her hammie!)
lolx, i scared i forget lehhx, lolx!
aiyarhx, but point is... i reli reli reli feel like using up all my energy on something...
-> speed-riding through East Coast for hoursss
-> swimming!?!?
-> bballx?? aiyar but nobody play with me larhx...
and the pump just like got broken off or something?!
blehx, even more siianx diaox...
~blehxbuaix~
becca (: ♥
1:00 PM
